Unconditional Love

I’ve lost myself in my wanting to please everyone and do whats right for everyone even though it’s not the right thing for me. I’m that person that wants everyone happy and sometimes it’s at the cost of my own happiness. I don’t know ME anymore. I know making others feel good about themselves is satisfying but when I can’t make myself happy, how do I fix that? I don’t know what is going to make me happy, I don’t know if this new way of life has taken away my ability to ever be or want happiness.

Let me explain, I’ve been happy and truly loved the life I was living. Everything was going great, I was good, Joe was good and my kids were good. Then out of the blue the happiness was taken away. Not only once but a few times. So I ask, what’s the point of ever trying to be happy because it’s just going to be destroyed. My soul is broken, my heart is broken and I can’t fix it. And I’m not talking about the joy my kids and grandkids make me feel, I’m talking about ME, my inner self.

Why does this happen? Why do I feel like this? I’ve tried to do the right things. When you try to do the right things but the ripple effect changes your whole life. The ripple carries your happiness into darkness. The darkness hardens your soul. Your soul then retreats and gives up the happiness. The happiness is then lost and is so much harder to find.

I’ve tried turning to the Bible for understanding but that made me question my life even more. It made me feel less happy. I’ve talked to professionals, prayed, cried, soul searched and I’m stll lost. There’s suppose to be a lesson in all this. It’s suppose to make me stronger. Don’t worry it’s normal they say, you will get through this. Yes, I probably will, but why am I being tested so much? And it says never to ask why, just learn from the lesson you are being given. All I’ve learned from this life right now is that when everything is going so well you better watch out because the bad is about to hit you hard.

My strength is running out, it’s getting harder to be strong. I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to always be on guard. I want to trust that everything will be good again. As I see the outside world and the people that do things that aren’t good and never have to struggle with anything, it sure makes you question WHY? Maybe it’s just ME. I’m thankful for everyday, don’t get me wrong. I want to be happy, I want to see the lesson, I want to know what it’s teaching me. I want ME back.