Author: teambaer2
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A Few More Years
I was saddened by the words of my husband yesterday. He said to me after spending a week in the hospital, “I just want a few more years and I’m not sure that’s going to happen”. It stopped my whole being, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t respond, I couldn’t cry, I just sat there not…
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Smells
Did you ever smell something so wonderful and want to have that scent linger forever? I was baking bread yesterday and the smell of the bread warmed my soul with happy thoughts of times that were more simple. It reminded me of being a child and knowing at the holidays my grandma was bringing the…
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Rise Up
RISE UP and see the Light! Today you’re alive to live another day. You pushed through the trials of yesterday and here you are once again to push through today. I see you struggle to wake up, I see you struggle to walk, I hear you struggle with every sigh, I know that you struggle…
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Perception
PERCEPTION, it’s an ability to to see, hear or become aware of things through your senses. I stepped back from my life and seen the reality of what is truly happening. As the reality sank in, it started to take a nasty twist in my inner self. I have felt sorry for myself, been in…
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Living as a Caregiver
CAREGIVER, that’s me. My job is twenty four hours, I don’t get paid, I can’t just quit, somedays I have no sleep and being the wife of the patient has given me a whole new meaning to marriage. When my husband was in advanced heart failure and needed this LVAD, I had to agree and…
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Lost
I’ve lost myself in my wanting to please everyone and do whats right for everyone even though it’s not the right thing for me. I’m that person that wants everyone happy and sometimes it’s at the cost of my own happiness. I don’t know ME anymore. I know making others feel good about themselves is…
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Everything is Different
It’s been two years since Joe received his LVAD. Everything is definitely different. I’m different, things have changed, my mindset has changed and I feel lost. What happened? Why all of a sudden do I feel like every decision, every thought, every move and everything I do or did was a mistake. I never had…
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Death Talk
Laying in bed last night, out of the blue, my hubby asks me What do you think death will feel like? Now usually our conversations at night bring tears to my eyes, but tonight it brought insight to exactly how a person who is sick truly thinks and how they are processing what is going…
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Next Steps
The Next Steps in this so called journey of our life are going to be tougher than I thought. The mindset of my husband is challenging me everyday, as he tries to adapt to his new life it’s always one step forward and two steps back. This constant back and forth struggle really does a…
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TEARS
The TEARS flow from my eyes more than anyone will ever know. Everyday I cry. Everyday I fight not too. Everyday changes the person I am. It’s a constant struggle to stop the TEARS and no matter how hard I try they still flow. I want my life back, I want Joe to be healthy,…
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Hard Decisions
Here we are again at a cross road in our lives and having to make the decisions on whether too or not too. We have been faced with difficult decisions before but this time it’s different, this time my husbands quality of life is hanging by slivers of thread and no mater what we decide…
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The Road Ahead
Day eleven of the new medication for Joe and we have a long road ahead of us. The medication suppresses his immune system which makes him at risk for sickness, infection, organ failure, cancer and this is just to name a few. We are trying our best to stay quarantined and safe. It’s a struggle…
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Reality
Today while sitting in the early morning darkness, REALITY hit me hard. Joe’s life is truly hanging on by a thread. The thought of losing him had come to mind several times, but today it really hit me like a ton of bricks. I am not sure why it seemed more like reality today than…
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WALLS
I tore down my walls years ago and let people into my circle. Now as of today the walls are being put back in place, my circle has become smaller and I really don’t think some of this wall will never come down again. It protects and keeps out all that I knew could never…
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New Year
As we are now in a new year, I feel the need to change things in my life. Most people want to lose weight, eat healthy and things like that, I feel I need to change my emotional state of being. I need to let go of things that have me upset, things that really…
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UPDATE
Just an update on the Transplant Listing, Joe has almost completed all his appointments. He has a few more in January and if all goes well the doctors from the transplant team will go over all his results. Then we will know soon if he will be listed or just end up destination with this…
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FAITH
There I was amongst some strong faith based followers of God listening to the pastor preach and I started to think back to my youth and how going to church never moved me. I wondered why, when I know we attended church. We were students in a Catholic school. We had religion class, but it…
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UNKNOWN
The unknown is something we all struggle with, most of us in our own ways are afraid of the unknown. The unknown could be just about anything. It could be the unknown of tomorrow, our health, life, will we wake up, will my kids be productive adults, the future or financial stability. The not knowing…
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TRANSPLANT LISTING
A few weeks ago while at the doctors, Joe was asked if he would like to start the process to get listed for a heart. Neither one of us was emotional prepared that day. We have been waiting a year to hear these words. Joe thought they were never going to consider him because of…
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Eyes to the Soul
Did you ever make eye contact with a stranger and seen the sadness in their soul. I’ve seen that today. Standing in line at the ice cream shop, a man sitting on the bench eating his ice cream made eye contact with me and his sadness was so apparent. He forced a smile and continued…
Unconditional Love 