Author: teambaer2
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Uneasy
Sitting here UNEASY today as I didn’t get much sleep. How is that one day your spouse can be so upbeat and the next you are not sure if they even want to continue living. I can’t even imagine how he feels living connected to batteries. I can see his struggle, I can see he…
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OBLIGATED
Have you ever felt OBLIGATED to do something in your life you knew was not the right thing to do, but you did it anyway? This feeling of obligation had me at a crossroad in my life and looking back now I had the opportunity to walk away but I didn’t. I should of deadbolted…
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REASONING
In my mind I’ve been REASONING with the life I was given trying to come up with a logical explanation as to why were we chosen to do this journey. I’ve been trying to find the good in all this but it’s so hard. Nothing makes sense and I know there’s a lesson, a reason…
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Stand Still
When your world is at a stand still what do you do. I’ve tried to move forward and make the best of things but I’m standing still feeling like I’m drowning. I started this blog as an unconditional love to my husband and his journey. Now I feel like it’s more to keep me sane.…
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Weak
As the tears fell from your eyes you kept apologizing for being weak. That really hit me hard. Why is it that we teach our boys not to cry? Why when a man cries does it make him WEAK? Crying is a natural release of emotions and it’s ok to cry. We should teach our…
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Time Away This weekend I got TIME AWAY for a few days from my caregiving life, from my husband. I know it was much needed and I enjoyed myself, but he was missing from the pictures, he was missing from my bed, he was missing out. I realized that I don’t need TIME AWAY I…
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Separation
This separation from life is so puzzling to me. The illness has driven a wedge so deep that I don’t think there’s a way to remove it. I stepped outside the box tonight and actually looked at the picture and I didn’t like what I saw. The disconnect he feels, the blame he puts on…
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Cold
It’s that time of the year, the weather changes, the leaves falls and the clouds turn grey. Sometimes I feel like the seasons that come and go. My life this year feels cold. I feel like fall and winter rolled up in bundle that’s tied so tightly there’s no undoing the knot. Cold is not…
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Motivated
During a conversation this word was brought up. Although you may think it was in a good way, it was not. Do people really feel my husband is not motivated? Does this really cross some peoples minds? You know what he has been through, all the struggles he has endured and you feel he ISN’T…
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Tick Tock
Three years in and he is still here. We just went for a check up and all is going well for the most part. Joe left the room to use the bathroom and I always use this opportunity to ask questions that run through my mind, things I don’t want him to know I’m wondering…
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CLEARING MY MIND
My mind is cluttered, my heart is not in a good place and I’m lost all of sudden. I try each day harder and harder to get it together and all I do is fall apart. I’m here existing and that’s it. Is this real life? Is this what it’s suppose to be like? I…
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Breaking point
Everyone has a breaking point, today was mine. We are suppose to trust that this is our life path. We are suppose to trust God and all he has planned for us. But each day it gets harder and harder. My life is not what I expected it to be, I’m broken. I’ve tried to…
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Sadden
When you can’t have fun it saddens you. When the person you love can’t enjoy life it saddens you. This life saddens me to the core. Wish you could see the happiness you are missing . When you create your own misery it flows down to the ones you love. Seems every time there’s a…
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A day in the life of an LVAD caregiver
It’s 6 am and I really want to sleep in, but I know I need to get up and get myself ready before he wakes up and he needs my whole attention. As you know my husband has an LVAD, it’s a full time job for me. Most say I’m an enabler but I say…
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Branches
This great mighty pine trees that are in my yard caught my eye today. As I sit and drink my coffee, I notice the branches of that tree. There are small branches, very long branches, thin branches, thick branches, branches that have no green and branches that have broken off. This tree has probably been…
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MY STRUGGLE
Today I feel at peace, yesterday was a STRUGGLE and I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. As I go through this life as a caregiver, each day is different. One day everything seems to fall in place and run smoothly. Then the next day it all falls apart. I’m trying to hold it all…
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Day by Day
We woke up today. Day by Day we wonder if waking up will be an option, now more than ever. It’s as if we go to bed feeling sad, and wake up happy just to do it all over again. I never used to worry about getting old, I never thought about dying, I never…
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Dynamics
I made a decision a few years ago and it since then it has changed my family DYNAMICS drastically. I thought I was doing the right thing, I thought I was making a person feel loved, I thought I was adding to our family what was already there but now on paper, I thought wrong.…
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Hanging On
I’m sitting here with my coffee gazing at the view outside my window. The sun is getting ready to rise, the night is slowly fading away and the tree I do not want anyone to cut down is HANGING ON to the vine that is keeping it from falling over. As I stare it, it’s…
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The Treadmill of Life
Do you ever feel like you’re on a treadmill and you keep running past the same thing everyday? The scenery doesn’t change, you don’t get anywhere, you just keep going and going. I’ve been on my treadmill for years and I feel stuck, I feel this is it, I feel like I’m never going to…
Unconditional Love 