Unconditional Love

Did you ever figurately paint a picture of what your life was going to be like? I did. It was a long time ago and I always wanted this big house with many rooms filled with children, so when they grew up and moved out they would still have a place to come home too. A home their children would come too and it would be the best home ever. That painted picture in my mind never happened and for some reason it makes me feel like a failure. As silly as it may seem it weighs heavy on my heart.

Here I am, in a small house that I can’t even have everyone here all at once. The holidays are spent at my daughter’s house and I know she loves to host them, but it’s my duty as mom and grandma to have the holidays at my house. To have family together in my home. I miss it. It hurts but I will never let that show.

I didn’t even decorate, because why bother. They don’t come here. No one does. It’s not the same. My painted picture is now blank and I can’t even pick up the paint brush to change how I feel. This wasn’t the picture in my mind. What happened? Why has so much I hoped and prayed for taken away? I believed in my story and what my life would be like, now the story is changed and I can’t get it back to the canvas. I’m lost in this story and probably always will be.

I know the saying if you don’t like it, change it. I’ve tried and it’s just too much for yet another let down. This is the story I’m on and I learned to accept disappointment, that it’s just a norm for me. I’m now working part time and I’m hoping it will bring back some light to my painted picture I need to finish. I want so much more and I need to get back to the whole picture of what I think life should be. I need to paint over the picture I started so many years ago and splash some color back to the canvas and make the picture a reality. I need it now more than ever.