Unconditional Love

This feeling of being UNGRATEFUL really overwhelmed me the last few months. Having to deal with a lot of uncertainty and seeing others getting more than what I felt they deserved made me so UNGRATEFUL. What a horrible place to be in and an awful way to feel. I truly felt I was going to be stuck in this frame of mind and I didn’t know how to get myself out of this darkness.

Regrouping myself took some doing. On the outside I was pretending to be just peachy, on the inside I was fighting the demons that consumed my mind. Trying to figure out all our financial stuff, making sure we got to keep our medical, re-evaluations that made it hard to even focus on the whole picture. I was making a mountain out of a molehill and I never do that. I always go with the flow and know things will work out, but not this time. I was a mess.

Being tired of struggling with all this life altering things that always happen to us throughout this journey really does a number on one’s self worth. I just want a normal, easy life like most people. I want to enjoy family vacations, I want to travel, I want my husband to work and be proud of himself again. I want, I want, I want has consumed me. Is it so bad to want what I want? Yet here I am wanting more and feeling more UNGRATEFUL each day.

My friends that know say that I’m not ungrateful, but I know they are being nice. The reality of it all is that I should be grateful for what I have and be grateful each day for waking up and having a roof over my head, food to eat, my husband is still here and we are okay. I do have a lot to be grateful for, BUT…and there’s that BUT again. This life that was chosen for me had me wondering and questioning everything. I pray, I read the Bible, I try my best to be a good person and it seems the more I try the more bad things happens.

I see so often the people around me that do bad, that don’t treat people good and continue to not have a care in the world, thriving. Not worrying where their next meals are coming from, how to pay their bills and just getting money and spending it out of control, this brings me to a dark place and I literally hate them for it. They get everything handed to them, they aren’t lacking for anything and here we are trying to do the right thing and we worked and used our money to get where we are and it’s not fair. It’s like a slap in the face.

Letting go of these thoughts and knowing I have all I need has lightened the load on my shoulders and I try to see the good in all things. I want to see the good, I need to see it. I need to be more GRATEFUL than UNGRATEFUL. I know needed and wanting are two completely different sets of outcomes. Not wanting what others have and appreciating what I have is true happiness all wrapped up in a warm bundle. I get it! I truly get it. I am GRATEFUL for my life and always will be.