Unconditional Love

My life was root bound and in desperate need for room to grow. I needed to repot my whole being, my life, my mindset and my whole world. I felt stuck in a small space with no where to go. I needed to be cultivated and replanted. I needed uprooting spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally.

My roots were dry, my mind was not open to anything or anyone. Things in my life were not the same and being stuck in the bottom was where I thought I was destined to be. A lot of people looking in saw this strong woman who was flourishing. It was not the case. From the outside my whole life seemed as if it were the growing so perfect, but my deep down roots were dying out slowly. There was a point when I thought that darkness and doom were all I was ever going to know.

For our entire marriage of 35 years, it’s been more darkness than light. I’m not saying that because I was going to ever give up, I’m saying that because the more I felt sorry for us, the more I got bound up at the bottom of my life in the doom and darkness. Each time we thought we were blooming, the world cut the blooms right from our plant. We were bound over and over again to the bottom and we just let the roots stay there in such a negative place. We accepted that no matter what, our lives are not like all those that flourish. We just weren’t meant to bloom that way.

As I sat alone in my thoughts trying to figure out how to do this thing called life with a more positive attitude, all the negative kept flowing within me. I started researching many ways to uplift yourself and empower your mind with knowledge to undo life’s damage. The thought of another counselor telling me everything is all right, it’s ok to feel this way, you have the right to be depressed, you have been through so much…NO I don’t want to hear that and I won’t. No one is going to change the way things have been and are now. You don’t get to be paid to NOT know the feeling of being root bound in this life. I have to fix it, I have to accept it, I have to cultivate my life different.

The meditation, the reading of the bible, the podcast of positivity, just being ME and accepting who I really AM has opened my world to a whole new place. I’m not lost anymore. I HERE in the now and although the roots are still a little bound in the bottom, my mind and heart are calm. The knowledge that I’m soaking up has opened the seed to create the blooms that I truly need in my life.

Setting goals and accomplishing the tiniest of tasks make me feel better and motivate me to be a better person than I was yesterday. It’s not what I don’t and can’t do anymore, it’s what I can and will do to make my life flourish. I needed to be brought to the bottom to climb to the top again. I know my roots are strong, they just needed a little cultivation to make room for growth. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, but I’m watering my soul. I know now my happiness is GROWING once again. I got this.