Unconditional Love

I’m sure this is just me complaining as usually and maybe I shouldn’t but, I feel there is NO END to the medical issues that keep coming up. When one thing is working another thing goes haywire. The stress of all the issues I’m sure are not helping at all. I try not to stress, but walk in my shoes for a day and I’m sure you will understand.

Last night as we sat and Joe prepped for this colonoscopy today, the house was silent. Not knowing what to say to each other because neither one of us really wants to address the real issue yet. But the questions floating around my mind and I’m sure his too, were the same questions years ago that we had to face. What if? I guess we are at a point where nothing surprises us and we are ready for anything, yet we sit silent and wait.

This morning I’m up at the crack of dawn. I make my coffee, read my book, do some laundry, scroll the internet, look up what the next steps may be if the WHAT IF comes back with bad news. As I’ve written before, I’m the need to know person and he’s the wait and see what they say person. I can’t wait I need to fill my mind with knowledge and I need to know. Well, then the tears fall and I have to stop learning and distract myself once again.

So in the shower I go with the wheels turning from all the knowledge I just read and In here I can prepare better, I can feel the water washing away the stress if just for a moment. I close my eyes and imagine the whole thing is just a dream and I wake up to the reality that there is NO END to all of this. It’s a human study and Joe is the textbook they are writing as they go.

It’s as if we are in a bubble and they are creating all the medical issues to see how the LVAD will handle the issue as well as the treatment. Is he their lab rat on the spinning wheel? Is he the experiment because he’s beat all odds? I feel like we need to get paid for all this information they are gathering from him. So as he gets ready for yet another bump in this journey, please pray all works out well and we can move on yet again to the NO END insight of this long road.