Unconditional Love

Sitting here UNEASY today as I didn’t get much sleep. How is that one day your spouse can be so upbeat and the next you are not sure if they even want to continue living. I can’t even imagine how he feels living connected to batteries. I can see his struggle, I can see he feels less of a man, I can try to understand it, but in all reality I couldn’t imagine it for one second.

We have had countless talks about the whole end of life scenario. Not something normal married couples talk about on a daily basis, but this has become our normal UNEASY conversations since the LVAD. He says he will always fight to stay above ground. He says he is living for us. He says he won’t give up, but some days he has me worried. It’s not an easy life to live, it takes strong people to go through this. His strength amazes me but his weakness is out weighing his strength lately.

As we made it through another season, the holidays don’t feel special anymore. I feel like we are in slow motion, just going through what we need too and then it’s over. We pack up the tree, we take down the decorations and put them back in the boxes to sit on the shelf for next year. The only joy we get is from the grandkids opening what little we could get for them. As their excitement overwhelms the room, the tears well up and we fight back what is sadness and joy all rolled into one.

Although making memories should always be the most amazing feeling in the world, it seems that the memories are being forced because he is on borrowed time. I know this is the case in real life but and everyone is on borrowed time but we never truly had to think about death on a daily basis as we do now. When someone is diagnosed with a terminal illness it changes your whole world. It changes you and there’s no coming back from how things have to be from now on.

Being UNEASY around holidays and all special occasions is what I feel nowadays. This feeling has stolen some joy and happiness from my life. It makes life a little difficult but we push through the best we can and continue to wake up and be thankful for each day. UNEASY is not easy by any means. Live life to the fullest and be thankful even when you are struggling. Life is too short and that’s the most UNEASY feeling to ever know. Trying to enjoy what’s left of this life and make the best of it will always be my goal no matter what.