Unconditional Love

When your world is at a stand still what do you do. I’ve tried to move forward and make the best of things but I’m standing still feeling like I’m drowning. I started this blog as an unconditional love to my husband and his journey. Now I feel like it’s more to keep me sane.

My emotions are catching up with me, I am crying more and lashing out more at the one person who needs me the most. I’m back at the blame game and hating that this has happened to us. I’m sick of fighting back the hatred for the doctors that ruined all of our lives. We can’t get back what they took, we can’t change the fact that they are killing my husband each and everyday.

Each time we go to the doctors it’s the same thing. There is never any good news or bad news. It’s just a stand still. Keep doing what you’re doing, keep up the good work and we will see in you three months. He’s not getting better and they don’t see that or do they? It’s hard to say because nothing they do or say makes us feel any better about the whole situation.

This whole process took away our lively hood, took away my husband’s purpose in life and to be honest it’s taken more than anyone will ever know. We have tried to make the best of it. Making plans to do so much, but in all reality those plans usually end up with Joe being sick, not wanting to go or do anything and then he gets upset because he feels he’s ruining everyone’s life. He gets pushed back to a STAND STILL and loses faith in himself and the whole situation.

He now feels like he is just existing and not living. He wants to live and he wants to be capable of doing so much but he is limited and it really frustrates him. He wants to be his old self. He wants to work and provide for me. He wants to function as a normal person. He wants to be able to be left alone without worry. He wants more out of this life and he knows he’s not going to get what he is yearning for, and that makes the STAND STILL even harder to accept.

Depending on me and everyone to do the things he was once able to do makes him feel less of a man, less of a person. He knows we don’t mind doing anything for him. Just knowing he can’t do it for himself makes him not want to do anything at all that requires help. It makes him go into the STAND STILL even more. I see it more and more everyday and it frustrates me too. Give me the strength to help him see he is worthy STANDING TALL not STILL.