Unconditional Love

Three years in and he is still here. We just went for a check up and all is going well for the most part. Joe left the room to use the bathroom and I always use this opportunity to ask questions that run through my mind, things I don’t want him to know I’m wondering about. The doctor is always reassuring but this time she didn’t have answers and I knew that before I spoke but I needed it out of my head.

I asked her what to expect in the coming days, months or years and she quietly said I’m not sure I understand. Well the life expectancy was three years and that day is approaching quite quickly. How will I know if his heart is going to just stop? How will I know if it’s his time to die? What do I look for or watch for? She said he will become tired and very lethargic. He’s like that most days so I need specifics. She was as unsure as I was. All I got was his LVAD alarm will go off and it will keep his heart going until you get him to a hospital to be checked by the docs.

It’s not want I was wanting to hear. I wanted details from previous patients. I want exactly what would happen if the heart failure were to take his life. I needed more and she wasn’t giving me what I needed to know. It sounds morbid, but here I am needing to know what will happen when death comes knocking on our door. It scares most people but I need to be prepared. I need to be mentally, emotionally and physically ready for that day.

Death is a part of life and God knows I’ve dealt with a lot of death in my life and I understand that everyone dies, but knowing your love one has a limited time and not knowing what will happen is the part that has me messed up. I’m a need to know kind of person and the wishy washy answers she gave me only drove me back to GOOGLE THAT SHIT FOR MYSELF!!! It’s so frustrating sometimes and I get it that she probably doesn’t want to scare me but PLEASE scare me. I’d rather be scared than in the dark.

Guess I’ll figured it out myself. TICK TOCK the clock is ticking and I still have no answers.