Unconditional Love

I made a decision a few years ago and it since then it has changed my family DYNAMICS drastically. I thought I was doing the right thing, I thought I was making a person feel loved, I thought I was adding to our family what was already there but now on paper, I thought wrong. I didn’t think it through and it’s caused me more emotional damage than anyone will ever know. It’s made me not like the person I am.

DYNAMICS means a pattern of process or change, growth or activity. Well the change I have made to our family is truly making me realize that the decision I made was not a good one. I did it for my husband not knowing that I was being looked down upon by the one person I really didn’t want to ever disappoint. I wanted to always be the best mother and make my children proud, but that one decision has crushed my whole being and made me feel so bad about it that I can’t recover from it ever.

Before the decision we discussed it and no one disagreed with it, now that it’s done and a few years later the truth comes out. Isn’t that always the case? Now I want to make it go away and I can’t. I want to erase time and never look back. I want to leave the decision and move forward and I can’t. I didn’t want to do this and no one stopped me, not even myself. I knew better, but I thought at the time it was the right thing to do. I was WRONG.

Holidays, birthdays and special events are now ruined because of me. The DYNAMICS will never be the same because of one bad decision. I’m letting go, I wish they would do the same because they didn’t want this in the first place and yet here they are hanging on to something that they said ruined our family. I can’t win, my DYNAMICS are broken and most likely won’t be fixed.