Unconditional Love

Do you ever feel like you’re on a treadmill and you keep running past the same thing everyday? The scenery doesn’t change, you don’t get anywhere, you just keep going and going. I’ve been on my treadmill for years and I feel stuck, I feel this is it, I feel like I’m never going to amount to anything. But I keep running.

I know the saying if you want change you have to be the change. I’ve been there and tried it and nothing has changed. I’ve made mistakes, I’ve done things I’m not too proud of, I’ve asked for forgiveness and prayed that things would just get better. Is this the best I’ll get? Am I missing the better? Why can I not see what my purpose is?

As I’m on this Treadmill of Life, I’ve notice the people have gone. There’s not too many left to share this journey. The years pass and the treadmill speeds up and it surpasses all that you want to do or accomplish. The deck never stops spinning but your life sure does. I want to enjoy what is left of this well traveled road, I want the spinning to stop if just for a moment to really look at my life and know that I’ve walked a good walk.

I want to know that this is the best it’s going to get, I want to know this was my purpose. But the more I walk this treadmill the more I realize the reality of it all. Maybe I’m the one walking away, maybe this journey wasn’t meant for the people I once surrounded myself with, maybe it is just me. I’ve always thought everything happens for a reason, but really what is the reason?

I’ve tried my whole life to be a good person, to have a good heart, to live happy…but here I sit with tears flowing once again. Hurt to the core, struggling with emotions, trying to make sense of everything that’s going on in my life, trying to understand what went wrong, what did I ever do. The deck of this Life’s treadmill will just keep spinning under my feet and it’s getting harder and harder to find the happiness I once had, it’s shutting me down and closing my doors. The less I know, the less I feel, the less hurt I endure.

This is truly who I didn’t want to become, but here I am wanting to shut myself off from all the hurt. Here I sit in my own world that has crumbled to ruins. Here I am going no where on the this TREADMILL. Have I created all this? Is it me? What did I do so wrong in life to have to feel so bad? Guess I’m going to have to kick the speed up a notch and walk faster past the bad and find the good. Just not sure that’s even possible anymore.