Unconditional Love

It’s been two years since Joe received his LVAD. Everything is definitely different. I’m different, things have changed, my mindset has changed and I feel lost. What happened? Why all of a sudden do I feel like every decision, every thought, every move and everything I do or did was a mistake. I never had regrets and now my life is filled with them.

Why does life change who we are? Why when you’re in a good place do bad things happen? Why does this make everything different? Is it punishment, a lesson or meant to be? It’s not fair. It’s not how I envisioned my live. I can’t fix it, the damage is done. People act different around us, treat us different and it’s easier to stay away. Life will never be the same.

I’ve done a lot of things in my life for the sake of others. I’ve done things to make people happy that I really didn’t want to do. At the time I thought it was the best option, but in reality I knew in my heart my decisions were wrong. I feel I do things in the best interest of others and I disregard my own feelings. I never put myself first and this is why my whole life is different.

Are we just existing in a world that we have no control over? Why do we do things that would in the end upset our lives? What makes us do these things even though we know it’s not good? How do you undo what is already done. You truly can’t and now because of a bad choice all this is unfolding, EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT!!!

Well, I don’t want it to be different. I want to go back and change my decision, I want my life back, I want that happiness before the bad choice, I hate this feeling and I hate that life changes us for the worst. I’ve thought about uprooting everything. Moving away from it all and starting over with just us, but I know it won’t change anything. I’m stuck and it’s my fault.

The different me will now keep up walls, keep out what is not good for my soul and choosing just to make myself happy and try to live my best life. I can’t change what happened but I can let go of what is causing me to be different. I want my old life, but will have to make the best of this Different life.