Unconditional Love

Today while sitting in the early morning darkness, REALITY hit me hard. Joe’s life is truly hanging on by a thread. The thought of losing him had come to mind several times, but today it really hit me like a ton of bricks. I am not sure why it seemed more like reality today than any other day. We woke up together, he’s alive but death was there creeping around my mind and it overwhelmed my whole being. I couldn’t shake this feeling and it was truly scaring me.

I made my coffee, sat down in my chair as I do every morning. As I sat here, my world around me closed in with darkness. Something wasn’t right and I could feel the power of this presence. Was it his time to go, was something going to happen, was it a wake up call to pay closer attention to him, I still don’t know. This feeling gave me an insight as to what may happen and it sadden me. I sat sobbing for awhile and feeling the loneliness just made me feel even worse.

Our journey hasn’t been easy, we have overcame so many obstacles in life and today the reality of death was surrounding me like never before. Maybe the need to call the EMS to the house because of the seizure sparked this unknown inside of me. The fear I felt as they loaded my husband into the back of the ambulance gave me the most awful feeling in the pit of my stomach, was this the last time I would see him alive? Although he was stable when they picked him up, I was truly scared that day. This may be the reason I’m sitting here sobbing, this may be the reason the darkness has swooped in all if a sudden. All I know is I don’t like it and my world is changing and it hurts.

The wait for him to be listed and coming up on a two year mark, makes death seem like its getting closer day by day. I know I shouldn’t think like this but the truth of the matter is it’s our REALITY. Every doctors appointment there’s always more testing, more blood work, more specialists added to the list of things to do, more procedure, more added things to worry about and it just seems never ending. We have complied over and over again to get on the transplant list and here we sit still not listed.

Now, Joe is on a trial run with the anti rejection med that he will be taking for life to make sure that his body will absorb it. The doctors are doing this because of his struggle with vomiting that has continued from before his stomach surgery until now. They cannot figure out why he is still vomiting and it may stop him from being listed. I am determined to figure it out myself. Don’t be a Google doctor they say, well if I can find something then I will never stop researching. I will suggest until there’s nothing more to suggest. I’m on a mission to keep my husband alive and there is no stopping me ever.

We are now on day six of the new meds and he feels really tired and scared of the not knowing. During this trial period we have to be quarantined for a few weeks so Joe doesn’t get sick. We are missing out on a lot of family things, but we know it’s what we have to do to keep him healthy and alive. We will have to be even more cautious when he actually gets a heart so this is our practice run for what’s to come. It’s a true test of our patience, mental health and love for each other. I pray for strength every day and pray for the best years yet to come. We’ve made it through every struggle life has given us and we will make it through this one too.

For now, coffee, my thoughts, death knocking, life changes, struggles, living and being here for each other is our REALITY and no one can take that from us but the good Lord. No matter the outcome I know in our hearts of hearts we are fighting this war with each other side by side, hand in hand, true warriors until the end. Bring on anything because Love conquers ALL. We will win no matter what, that’s REALITY.