Unconditional Love

As I sit here in the wee hours of the dawn, I just said “WHY” to myself and started sobbing. We had a drive by parade for my great niece’s birthday the other day, she lost her mom to cancer and it was her first birthday without her. As if it wasn’t bad enough that she lost her mom, she couldn’t even celebrate the proper way with family and friends because of this COVID-19 situation that is going on in the world. Her grandma was trying her hardest to keep it together, but the tears were flowing. The sadness overcame me and I just couldn’t shake it all night and into the next day.

WHY has it all changed? WHY is this the new normal? WHY did such a young mom with four children lose her life? WHY is all this happening? WHY can’t I keep it together these past few days? I can’t wrap my head around any of this and WHY is the question I ask myself everyday and I know I will never get an answer. It makes me want to get in my car and just drive away from it all.

Although it sounds like a great idea, I know it won’t solve anything. I know the problems of the world will still exist, I know that those babies will never have their mother, I know that the fear the government is instilling in each and everyone of us is only going to get worse, I know this and there’s no escaping it. It’s been such a struggle with what to believe, who to believe and I don’t want to change my way of living. I already did that. I made my change and now all this. When your plate is full and the world just keeps adding to it, how much is too much. I don’t feel there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I feel the world is controlling everyone and the way they feel, act and live. I don’t want this. I shouldn’t have to live like this. This is not my choice. We need to take back the way we think, the way we live and the way things can and should be. I shouldn’t be here wondering WHY all this is happening, none of us should be. We were all living good and enjoying life as much as we could, then the government does this to everyone. It needs to stop.

We shouldn’t be doing drive by parade parties, we should be celebrating together. We should be eating cake, opening presents and hanging out with our family. This is not normal people! We need to wake up and take back our lives. We need to be with each other, kids need to be in school, people need people. I will not conform to this new world. It’s not how it should be.

My grandchildren are going to have to be raised in a world with FEAR and that is not life. Every week the news, the government and some medical personnel say it’s only going to get worse. Every week since the end of March they have told us not to go out, stay home and today we are ordered to stay home even longer. This has created such a FEAR in people that they no longer know how to live normal.

Yesterday while shopping I was forced to wear a mask as I entered the store. Everyone that entered was forced too. I had one in my pocket and put it on my face until after I passed the so called DOOR GUARD, then I removed it only because I cannot function as a person with it on. While wearing the mask I feel an anxiety build up in me that I have never felt before. Being in the store and seeing everyone masked makes me uneasy, makes me mad, makes me want to scream and I can’t handle feeling like this. I don’t want to feel like this and that is why I took it off.

If you are reading this and saying that I’m selfish and I could spread the disease for not wearing my mask, I ask you this….”Are you really that afraid of getting something from an unmasked person when you have the mask on to protect yourself?” “Isn’t that why you are wearing the mask in the first place?” This is the fear that has been instilled in each and every one of us. Please make it a choice for everyone to wear one, don’t force the issue. Fear has no hold on me and let that be how I feel, not how you want me to feel.

WHY is it that we all just believe what is being reported? WHY is it that we conform so easily? I have a hard time trusting doctors, media, the government, etc. because of my husband. I have to deal with something the medical field did to my husband that was full of lies, I have to care for my husband now because of what they said and did, I have to believe not by choice what they say, but because now I have NO choice and neither does my husband. This is why there are people like me that question everything and will not believe anything that these so called expert say. So give us a choice to do what’s best for ourselves and if our choice was a bad one, so be it. Let us live the way WE choose too, not the way you feel is best for us.

I shouldn’t be sitting here sobbing and asking WHY everyday of my life. None of should.