Unconditional Love

I used to live my life day to day. I would go to bed, wake up and just live. Now I go to bed NOT KNOWING every night what the day will bring, I have a hard time sleeping, some nights I don’t even want to sleep for fear something may go wrong and I won’t wake up. When they implanted the LVAD in my husband they should of told us that the NOT KNOWING would be the worst part of this whole thing.

Every night I lay awake listening to Joe’s pump humming until I fall asleep. Then I’m up every hour, checking his breathing, listening for the pump, making sure he’s still with us. I’ve talked to others who are caring for their LVAD spouses and they do the same thing. Some say it gets better with time, but then there’s the ones who are like me. I’m the caregiver on a mission to keep my husband alive.

I don’t think I’ll ever get used to this NOT KNOWING feeling but it’s only been four months and it will take time. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve accepted death is a part of life and before the LVAD the NOT KNOWING wasn’t as concerning as it is now. We all go to bed each night NOT KNOWING what the new day will bring, it just becomes more apparent when your loved one is hooked to an electronic life support that you pray will never fail.

Today I woke up, today he’s still here and today I KNOW we are still okay.