Unconditional Love

Calm, cool, collective that’s what most people see on the outside. If you don’t live with anxiety then you will never know the torment of it. Anxiety will make you lose control, consume you and devour your very being. It’s been years since this “A” word made my life a living hell. Seeking professional help made me learn to control my feelings and not let them control me. Anxiety has no holds on this woman anymore.

When the feeling of ANXIETY takes over your life you will know. Years ago, I was working for a great job, driving two hours to and from, caring for a sick husband and raising two kids. I was good at my job, it paid well and we had insurance. The American dream right? Little did I know the “A” word was working it’s evil on my mind, body and soul.

My knee was injured and I had an ACL replacement, I was off work for 3 months. It all started when I returned to work and was put on restriction because of the surgery. I was placed on a so called “cake job”. Well, the workers weren’t happy that I was on this job. I was harassed, called a liar, faker, lazy white bitch and accused of doing things to the supervisor on a daily basis. This went on for months, I was at a breaking point. Not only was I stressed at home, now this added to my already full load. Everyday I would wake up and dread going to the job. The anxiety soon took control over me and I was a train wreck waiting to happen.

My family had no idea what I was going through. Joe was sick and I was the only one working. We needed this job. As the anxiety got worse I found myself sitting on the side of the road just before my exit to work, I couldn’t drive anymore. My body wouldn’t physically let me. I was shaking, crying and wanting to just crawl in a hole and never come out. I picked up my phone and called off work, I had vacation time and sick days so I used them. As soon as I hung up, I felt relieved. Now how was I going to tell my husband I called off work, I didn’t.

For months I would call off sick at least twice a week and go to Meijers and walk around for eight hours. Yes, eight hours and I was okay with that. When that got old I would go drive around, sit at the park or drive to the other side of town and sit with friends. My family thought I was at work and they never knew any different. The anxiety wasn’t getting any better, it was getting worse. I had vacation time and now I was taking a week off and not telling anyone. The money was still coming in so everything was good, or so I thought it was.

When the vacation time had run out, I had to return to work or I was going to lose my job. Well, a friend at the job had noticed the change in me and was concerned. I opened up to her and she told me that I needed to go to the supervisor and report the harassment and go to nurse and tell what was going on and they would put me on a medical leave for awhile so I could get help. I finally did it, I told the supervisor, I went to the nurse and now I needed to go home and tell Joe. It wasn’t easy but I did and then I made an appointment with a psychiatrist.

Learning to deal with ANXIETY is not a walk in the park. It took almost a year for me to wrap my mind around all that I was feeling. It truly helped to talk to a doctor. He made me see that I needed to let go of all that was bothering me and that it was okay to feel the way I was feeling. I learned a lot and made a choice to live a happy life. It was one of the hardest years of my life. When the “A” word tries to make a comeback in my life, I always remember what the doctor told me, Take a look in the mirror, if you are not happy the person staring at you is the one responsible and no one else. Do what makes you happy and the person staring at you will be happy too. It’s not always easy but it’s always worth it in the end.

Find the cause, face it, overcome it and move on life is too short. Please don’t forget to look yourself in the eyes everyday smile and find the happiness, it’s there you just need to see it.