Unconditional Love

In the wee hours of the morning I sit ALONE IN MY HEAD. Some people will wonder what does that even mean. Well, today as I sit alone in my head it is filled with a lot of scenario’s that play over and over. I imagine a good day with us doing things together that we probable will never get to do. I imagine traveling, seeing the world with the kids and grandkids, I imagine going golfing, horseback riding, owning property with a farm, and we wake up and tend to the animals. Scenes of togetherness with Joe. Then as the sun rises the scenes quickly change to will Joe wake up? Will he survive this LVAD? Will he ever stop throwing up? The scenes become more dark and how will I survive without him. Then I imagine life alone, cooking my breakfast and eating alone, I imagine travels to places I would love to see, again I’m alone. I know the outcome of life, I know death is a part of life, I know our time here on Earth is already planned for us, but since May our lives have changed and the scenes that play in my head every morning are there, they are real and sometimes without fail they pop up and I can’t stop them but they feel so real.

As my imagination runs wild, I try to stay focus on the here and now of our life. As a wife watching her husband struggle each day and knowing that any day, any minute, any hour it could all be over, staying focus is so hard to do. I try not to dwell on the negative and keep a positive prospective on all things. But I am human and the scenes ALONE IN MY HEAD are part of being human, part of the process of life. I have HOPE each day that when we wake up, Joe will be better than the day before, I have FAITH that my scenes of togetherness will one day be real, I have enough LOVE around me that I know I will never be truly ALONE.

Being with Joe now has brought the meaning of togetherness to a whole new level. I enjoy being with him, I enjoy taking care of him, I enjoy sleeping next to him, I enjoy cooking with him, I enjoy just sitting watching him from my chair. I will savor all the little things that I can while he is here. I refuse to be ALONE while he is still alive and I will love him with all of me while he is HERE. Being his caregiver is NOT a burden, it is a blessing. My husband is alive and I am not ALONE and that to me is the most important thing to remember when you have to care for a loved one. You still have them in your life, so when you feel like complaining go ALONE IN YOUR HEAD and see the worst case scenario it will forever change you.