Unconditional Love

We are HOME!! We were ready but not ready to be here. I was so scared that something would happen and I wouldn’t know what to do. I knew this new role as Caregiver was going to be demanding. I knew I needed to give Joe my all everyday. I planned it all out in my head while we were still in the hospital, but now that we were home would it all play out just like I had planned it to? This needed to work and I needed it to work for my well being.

I set up his equipment in the bedroom, brought in all the luggage, sorted through all the paperwork, made sure we had all his pills and in between I kept asking him if he was okay. I think I may have said “are you okay” over hundred times since we were home. He will probably get tired of me asking but I don’t care, I will continue to ask him everyday several times a day. It’s my new job.

As his wife and caregiver now I wanted to make the transition to this new LVAD way of life as easy as possible. I had to start a routine that would work for both of us. So as his caregiver I decided that I would wake up two hours before him and take my shower and get myself ready for the day. I would then have my coffee, scroll through my facebook, read my mail or whatever I needed to do for me. Since he couldn’t really walk well yet, I got all of his things he needed ready before waking him up. I got his pills ready, his teeth, his clothes, and made sure the batteries for the day were in the clip. It was simple right?

It was simple until I had to wake Joe up, then the work started. I had to help him get dress, help him get out of bed, take him to the bathroom, help him with all his toiletries because he was still weak, help him pull his pants back up, get him in the chair at the table, get his breakfast, his drink, help him up, help him to the couch, help him put his legs up, cover him up, he needed to go to the bathroom again, get him back up, walk him to the bathroom and this was non stop all day. It was not simple anymore it was a job and being a CAREGIVER was a full time job. I was ready, I was willing, I was tired and I knew he needed me. He said he was sorry every time he needed something, he said he hated to bother me and this should not be how our life is suppose to be, but it was and I was here for him.

At night I give him his evening meds, put him to bed, did the dishes, got his clothes ready for the next day, set up my coffee pot, did some laundry and by then I was ready for bed. But did I do everything? Were his batteries charged? Was the plug in the wall tight? Did I give him all his med? Was he comfortable? All this runs through my mind every night still to this day. I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night just to recheck everything. I’m not a perfectionist by any means, but I do care about my husband and I want him to live.

Being a CAREGIVER is hard work and it can take a toll on a person, but as I adjust to my new roll, it’s not about me and I have learn to accept that. I have learned that this is what I was handed and no matter what anyone thinks, I am perfectly fine with taking care of him. I am his WIFE and I made this decision 32 years ago when we got married. I have learned to love my husband over and over again through the years and no it hasn’t been easy and we have had our problems, but we have been through hell and back and we are still standing. If I get a few more years with him I will be the happiest wife, friend, lover and CAREGIVER around.