Unconditional Love

I tossed and turned all night, I wanted to pick up the phone and check on him, I wanted to just go back to the hospital, I knew I needed to rest but it was impossible. I called the nurse early in the morning to check on him. Joe was still stable and resting. The doctors had no clue how long he would be intubated at this point. It took FIVE DAYS and it was the longest days of our lives. I went to the hospital each day. I held his hand, talked to him quietly, assured him he was ok and he just needed to rest. I sat in silence praying over him while the hum of the machines filled the room. I felt so alone in that big room.

It was very heart wrenching to leave him everyday, but I promised him I would. At home I tried to pretend he was away hunting or at work so I didn’t feel so lonely. Was this how it was going to feel if anything happens to him, is this going to be my life from now on. I am not ready for all this, I’m not ready for the worst. I needed him to be alright. Why was this happening? Why us? I don’t know how much more I could endure. Please God just let my husband be alright.

On the fifth day the doctors decided it was time to wake him up. I was on my way up to his room when the doctors called. They needed to shock him. His heart was out of sync. The right side was not beating with the left side and it needed to be shocked in order for it to beat together. They wanted me to sign papers for this procedure. I nearly dropped my phone. I had more questions before they did this, I needed my kids there, I didn’t want to make this decision on my own. I walked to his room with tears welling up once again. Would the shock kill him, what if it did? I was there alone. One step forward, two steps back. Will it ever get better. Will this be the day he wakes up. FIVE DAYS was long enough and now this. WHY?