Unconditional Love

It was like I wasn’t even present in the waiting room. FEAR had over come me and as we waited to go back to the ICU room I had no idea what was in store for us. It seemed like forever and we finally got the okay to go back. As Jaime and I walked the long never-ending hallway the more scared I became. We were not prepared for the what was behind the door. As we walked in I immediately gasped, held my breath counted to five in my head just to keep it together. I was afraid to touch him let alone look at him lying there. It was the most upsetting sight I had ever seen. The amount of IV’s that were attached to him, the breathing tube, the bandages, the swelling of his body and the FEAR that he might of had a stroke. The FEAR of not knowing. It was too much. So many questions I had and they kept coming, I didn’t care I needed to know worst case scenario.

The doctors said that he would have to stay intubated for a few days because the right side of his heart was weak. They needed him to rest so the LVAD and the right side could heal. They still didn’t know if Joe had a stroke and wouldn’t know until he was off the vent and awake. The nurse that was attending to Joe realized that we were scared and about to break. He tried to assure us that Joe was in good hands and he would take good care of him. He tried to answer all the questions we, well I was throwing at him. How would you know if he had a stroke? Will he survive? Does he know we are here? What are all the IV’s for? If he had a stroke will he be able to get on the transplant list? Is he in pain? He answered all the questions with compassion and made us feel at ease. He told us to try and not disturb Joe too much, they needed him to rest. If we wanted we could hold his hand, but don’t try to talk to him so that he doesn’t get agitated. I didn’t care I needed him to respond to me, I needed reassurance that he knew we were there. I grabbed his hand and said quietly, I’m here and I love you. Joe squeezed my hand and opened his eyes slightly and a tear ran down his cheek. He was okay and I knew it. I think Jaime and I both started to cry. It was very overwhelming for all of us. Jaime went out and sent Michael in, then Joey came in. We all got to see that he had in fact made it through the surgery and the nurse said that he did respond to all the touches and it was unlikely that he had a stroke, but once again we would have to wait until he was fully awake and off the vent.

Joey and I sat there for a few minutes longer and I kissed Joe’s forehead and Joey kissed him too. As we had decided before the surgery, if Joe was to be intubated for a few days then I would go home at night and come during the day. Even though we had decided this I was not prepared to just leave my husband there by himself helpless, it took everything in me to walk out the door and go home. But I did, we all did. We all cried some more and headed to the parking lot got in our cars and went home. I don’t even remember driving home, everything seemed like a blur. I sat on the couch and I don’t think I moved, I called the nurse to check on him. He was stable and sleeping was all I remember the nurse saying. The FEAR that anything could happen to him and I wasn’t there made me feel so guilty for leaving him. The exhaustion overcame me, I prayed that he would make it through the night, then I cried myself to sleep.